Food

I used to be a really big fan of food. I could get equally excited by fine quality restaurant food where I frequently had to ask my server to identify certain things as I was by a plate of Hamburger Helper. Made no difference to me; food was tasty. And the best part of being a big fan of food was that I never gained weight. That's right; I was blessed with the metabolism that most people would kill for. I could eat like an absolute pig and never gain a pound. I knew I was pregnant very early on because one morning the scale read 104 lbs and I was baffled. I couldn't crack the 100 lb mark if I stuffed myself with pasta and chocolate everyday. Yes, I was underweight; I'm 5'3". But I'd been like that since college and didn't really mind. Of course I gained weight being pregnant, but most of it fell off very nicely and left me at a slightly more healthy 105-110 and I stayed that way for a long time.
Then my ovaries retired a couple of years ago.
Now I'm only 45, so I was a little pissed off with my ovaries for checking out early (or what I considered early). I wasn't hugely upset, though. I had my child, I'd never really wanted a second one and so my ovaries don't work; big whoop. I never considered the notion that I was now an old woman because... well, because I'm just not. You'll have to trust me on that. What pissed me off big time was the sudden weight gain. It wasn't a nice gradual weight gain, it was a sudden explosion. And suddenly I was heavy.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not obese. You will not see me on the next season of "Biggest Loser." I'm probably what most people would consider totally normal. But since I've never been totally normal, I don't like it. I don't like rolls on my stomach when I sit down. I don't like the fact that my knees object to the extra 25 lbs. I don't like the fact that none of my bras fit anymore. I just don't like it. So, I'm on a diet. I've never been on a diet in my life. Mostly all I've done is switch to "diet" or "low-cal" everything. Since I'm a terrible soda junkie, I have diet soda and a whole lot of vaguely flavored waters. If it isn't made by Weight Watchers, I don't have it in the kitchen. Except for my new best friend... Special K. Its working. I'd lost about 10 lbs before the Pittsburgh trip.
However; I HATE IT.
I hate diet soda, it tastes like crap. Rice cakes are not nearly as tasty as Doritos. I miss chocolate chip cookies like I miss a lover who dumped me; I pine for cookies. But the very worst part? When presented with real food, full of fat and calories and flavor, I don't enjoy it. My brother can cook up a storm and he did when I was visiting. I ate it and felt terrible. I couldn't enjoy it. I felt guilty. And that just plain sucks. I suppose I'll have to eat like this for the rest of my life. My job is physically demanding, I get plenty of exercise, so its not a lack of aerobics; this is just the way my body behaves now. (yeesh, imagine if I had a desk job; then I'd really have something to complain about) I really resent my body. Its a betrayal. I trusted my stupid body and it turned on me. It tricked me.
I keep thinking its a cruel joke and one day my metabolism will say "Ha! Just yanking your chain, back to normal now." But I don't really believe that. So I'm just going to finish up this glass of orange flavored water now and tell myself that I'm full and go on about my business.
Stupid body. I want my old one back.